I cant stand it anymore..

I hate my life. I’ve said a couple of times before but now I really mean it. I hate my life. I hate my family. Especially my bro. he started complaining about me to my parents but I didn’t do anything.

I told my parents that I wanted to go to the reunion party that is going to be held tomorrow at holiday villa. It’s a barbeque party. My parents agree with me that I can go. And then, a few days after I told my parents, my bro heard about it and started complaining about me. He said that I can go out so many times with friends this holidays. I went out just 5 times this holidays. But he went out like 10 times? He said that I can go out at night to that reunion but he cant go out with his friends at night. Like so what?

He’s just jealous because my parents let me. He did go out at night to a dinner that his college organize. And he even went to a dinner that his gf’s college organize but he said to my parents that it is his college one. I knew its not true but I didn’t tell my parents coz I know if I tell, my bro will start complaining if I go out. So I decided to kept quiet about it. But then he still complains about me.

I knew once he actually went out with his girlfriend but he told my mum that he is going to the library at his college. But I still kept quiet coz I don’t want to create trouble. but still, he complains about me. He said that I waste my dad’s money coz I went to Mexico. But my dad didn’t even complain about it. My bro is the one that just saying things that is not true coz when he wanted to go to a camping trip, my parents didn’t let him coz my parents were worried if anything happens to him coz that time my parents were not in Malaysia and there’s one time he told my parents that he wants too visit his friend in Indonesia and my parents didn’t let him coz there’s no adult since he is 18.

There’s this time he told my parents he wants to go to some trip with his friends to somewhere in Malaysia and my parents asked how is he going and he said by car with his friends. Of course my parents didn’t let him go coz they know how teenagers drive in Malaysia. Speeding without worrying if something happen. My parents still don’t let him drive far away coz there’s ones when he was driving and there’s this other car tried to take his lane and he was like mad and speed like hell. Its not my bro’s road or something to be mad. He just pass his driving test and he wants to be mad at some people that maybe had drive 20 years. How should my parents trust him on driving?

Apparently, I did a new specs coz my old one broke and my bro still complains that I waste money and stuff. How should I look clearly without my specs? Want me to be blind? Why cant I just live peacefully without any complains from my bro? My mum change her mind of letting me go to the reunion barbeque party coz my bro complains. And she thought it was not fair and stuff. But she just don’t know the truth that my bro went to his gf’s party last year and said it was one of his friend from school.

I just don’t know why he likes to complain even though I didn’t even tell my parents about him. I lied to my parents for him. He just don’t know how to appreciate what I did for him.

And now I just feel that I don’t need my life anymore.. why should I need my bro if he keeps complaining about me to my parents and not appreciate me for lying to parents for him? Why should I need him? Why should I live if I don’t have a peaceful life with my family especially my bro? why should I live if I am the one that always gets hurt? Why should I live then? I just hope that god take away my life and give it to some people that is trying to live from some sickness. And may the person live happily.

Since I was small, I always wanted to run away from home or kill myself when I fight with my bro but I told myself not to. I just love him so much till I cried so bad when I fight with him.Although i told you that i hate him but deep inside my heart I still love him because I know he is the only person that can make my day other then my parents and friends and my eldest bro that is studying in overseas. I always love him although he always makes me mad. Because I know he is the one that can give me love as a sibling other than my parents and friends. And now I realize that its just stupid for me to love him since he always hurts my feelings.

And to my 2nd brother, if you are reading this, please try to understand me and love me back as your sister. I always love you although you hurt my feelings a lot. Love from you as a brother is the only thing I want from you. Nothing else. Nothing else from you that can make me happy.

To my eldest brother, thanks for loving me as your sister although I seldom talk to you. I want you to know that I always love both of you. And love mum and dad.

Sorry for posting such a long post. but this is the way i want to let my feelings go. I cant keep it all by myself anymore.. Like before this, i never tell anyone my problems.. but now, i cant just keep it myself anymore, its time for me to let it go. This post is just one of my problems. and it is so hard for me to tell but i just have to, coz i cant stand it anymore.